Be Selfish in your Communication
Life lesson from an afternoon meeting.
The Background
When I was in college, I took an internship that has paid dividends throughout my life…and I am not talking about the minimum wage I earned. I was fortunate enough to work for a leader who would later become a mentor to me. Nearly 20 years later, he is still an important figure in my life. Today, I am sharing something I learned from him that has stuck with me throughout my career.
One afternoon we were both in a cross-departmental meeting with about ten other people. It just so happened that most of the people in the room didn’t know him as well as I did, which set the stage for the observations I was able to make next. While everyone knew he was the most senior leader in the room, most people didn’t know how knowledgable and experienced he was on the subject of the meeting.
The Meeting
The meeting began with someone going over the problem we were trying to solve and opening the floor for suggestions. One by one, each person jumped in with their ideas. I thought the ideas lacked substance including some that were pushing their own agenda. When my boss didn’t jump in to correct them, I assumed there must be a depth to these solutions that was over my head. After everyone had a chance to say their piece, that is when my boss finally chimed in.
I suspected he had already come up with a great solution (and this was confirmed later), but instead of offering up his solution, he started asking questions. Playing “devil’s advocate” is a useful technique to flush out the validity of ideas. Only, I knew for a fact that the questions he was asking were ones he already knew the answers to. The rest of the room didn’t know this, and they jumped in with answers to his questions. If someone tried to give a less than truthful answer, he simply asked another deeper question until their ideas fell apart. By the end of the meeting, the group had talked themselves out of their ideas and had talked themselves into his idea.
The Big Idea
I admired him for his patience and thought that he was being a wonderfully selfless leader to let us each speak first. I thought it was a leadership tactic to make everyone else feel more important like a “servant leader” or “leaders eat last” approach. This would be a great reason to do it, but when I asked him about it, I was surprised at his answer. He was essentially being selfish. He wanted everyone else to share their goods before he shared his. And we all gladly did so and thanked him for it.
There is an old adage about negotiation that says whoever talks first, loses. There is truth to this. It is because the first person gives up information that the second person can use as leverage.
I like to think of things in the terms of long- and short-term benefit. Almost always, the long-term benefit is more valuable and at the expense of the short-term benefit. In this case, the short-term benefit is the chance to show off our knowledge. When presented with a question or a chance to speak, we are eager to jump in and show our peers how smart we are. However, if we sit back and choose the long-term play, we get to gather and gain information from those who do speak.
There is an old saying that says God gave us two ears and one mouth so we would listen twice as much as we speak. This is sound advice.
When I talked to my boss after the meeting, he told me that he didn’t care if the people in the room knew how much he knew on the subject. He didn’t need the short-term benefit of the ego boost. He also assured me that despite how much he knew, there was always more to learn. By sitting back, asking questions, and “playing dumb”, he was able to gather more information about the subject and each individual’s motives. After hearing all the information, he could position his argument to align with their interests and understanding.
The Bonus Idea
The real genius of this approach is actually how unselfish it is as well. By probing your audience with questions rather than just feeding them the answer, you teach them to solve their problems rather than rely on you for solutions. As a leader, it is easy for your team to fall into the trap of looking to you for answers. And it is just as easy to just give them the answer.
However, that is the short-term approach. It solves the problem and allows you to move on to the next thing. The long-term approach is to take the time to help the person learn by asking questions that help lead them to an answer. They learn the solution to the current problem, but more importantly learn skills to solve other problems on their own with a similar approach. Your team will also feel more empowered to tackle future problems.
Thought Harvest
Here is an analogy that is helping me visualize the value of questions:
Learning is like farming. Questions plant the seeds of knowledge. Research and learning from others provide the water and sunlight to allow our seeds to grow. The answers are the harvest which yields the information we learn. But without questions, our field is barren and there are no answers to harvest.
Selfish Communication
Being selfish doesn’t mean monopolizing the conversation. Actually, it is the opposite. When we are the ones speaking, we are deliverers of information, which means we aren’t learning. But when we are listening, we are consumers of information, which means we get to learn. Sometimes there is an urge to show off what we know or be the first to speak in a meeting. The smart people in the room gladly let you take that honor. They are patiently sitting back and consuming information. When it comes time for their response, they have the luxury of everyone else’s opinions and views as well to help inform their own response.
Selfishly listen, ask questions and consume information. Then, when it is your time to talk, you will have something really worth listening to.
